It starts small.

I love sharing my story, I love telling people about my struggles, I love making sure that people know that there IS a way to swim out of whatever they are drowning in.

I used to be 96lb. Yes, 96. I’m 5’5″. I was a chubbier kid than most little girls, didn’t think it was normal, and started taking action when I was 13. I can honestly say that my life was so dark, there had to be demons following me. I firmly believe in the spiritual realm because I have seen and felt so much from it, both good and bad.

It started small, choosing to eat half of my meals instead of all of it. No one picked up on it for a long time. I didn’t understand how I could still look the same exact way, while eating HALF of what I was used to, all the while playing soccer and volleyball, AND running on the days when I didn’t have practice. It made no sense……the thing is, it only made no sense to me because I didn’t CHOOSE to see the difference. Every time I looked in the mirror I wanted to burst into tears. The deep loathing I had for myself was so overwhelming, I decided to take things a little further.

That’s when I decided to go ahead and skip meals altogether. No sweets, no sugar, no soda, eating MAYBE one full meal a day. That’s also when people started to pick up on things. Everyone else was seeing me waste away, yet all I could see was the same chubby, soft, fluffy girl in the mirror.

Our perception of ourselves is so overrated and false. I will occasionally meet people nowadays (working in health and fitness) who have never worked out a day in their lives and can honestly and happily sit down with me and tell me that they absolutely love themselves and don’t really have anything they would really love to change about their bodies, they just want to start working out because they want to be healthy and live a long life. And all I can do is sit there and say WOW to myself. They have NO IDEA what they have accomplished! And they don’t even know it! I’m STILL working towards that road and sometimes it feels like I will never. ever. get. there.

My mom finally started to pick up on some of my eating habits. Noticed that I would “eat in my room” a lot, claim that I already ate, or refuse meals altogether because I didn’t feel good or wasn’t hungry. Every time I was confronted about it, I insisted that everyone was making things way too big of a deal and that I was perfectly fine. Naturally, it stuck for a while but eventually something had to change because I then had a microscope on me, especially because at that point I was going days and days without eating anything but a few crackers, threw my food away, wasted tons and tons of food. Now looking back, I can’t believe how much I wasted, not only the food, but people’s time and efforts, and I didn’t care at all.

That’s when bulimia became captive to my thoughts. I remember just thinking about it, it disgusted me, it scared me, it was my only choice at the time. If I was going to continue, I had to be more sneaky about it. I could give up food altogether for days, easy. But still living with my family, it wasn’t an option anymore. Binging and purging? Was this really what I had come to? I had convinced myself that it was my only option. Little did I know that it would make me hate myself so much more……

Addictions are like dominoes…

The first time you do anything that you know isn’t accepted by most people there’s a specific feeling you get. It’s the sinking feeling in your gut that makes you wonder, “Is this really the right thing to do, or am I making a huge mistake?…” But shortly after the decision is made, it no longer seems to be as gut wrenching…and the more times you do it, the less of a big deal it is.

Addictions are like dominoes. Once they start, they go on…and on…and on…until it gets to the point where it seems impossible to catch up in order to stop what you’ve started.

I’m so often asked where my scars came from, and why I’m so passionately into fitness, and honestly the warrior in me, who doesn’t want to feel vulnerable, wants to say that, “I had an accident when I was younger” or “It’s a long story,” and when it comes to living a healthy and fit lifestyle I often feel like saying, “oh I used to be a chubby kid,” or “It’s my way of finding time for myself.” But god, it’s so much more than that! Why is our human nature so fearful? My natural instinct is to protect myself because I don’t trust people. I’ve had to learn to be independent in my life, so I hate to let myself feel vulnerable to people. I was so zoned in on while I was growing up because I dealt with so many issues that WERE NOT normal (I wasn’t quite aware of how not normal they were) that I now deal with feelings that everyone is targeting me, which causes me to feel like I always have to have my guard up. Crazy how that works.

When I was young, I always kept everything inside. I never wanted people to know how I really felt and when I look back now and ask myself why, the only thing I can think about is that I wanted to feel like I was strong and that I was in control. I am a control freak. Over the course of 2 years, cutting went from a sporadic event to something that was so uncontrollable, even I was scared. Every time I went to the bathroom, every time I made a mistake, or couldn’t figure my homework out, or thought about how I’m just some piece of shit on this earth. My mind was COMPLETELY controlled by negativity, I had given up searching for positivity in life. Cutting my wrists continued and began to reach the point where I was no longer just doing it when I was sad or angry, it was something I was doing because I would start to panic if I didn’t do it. My chest would tighten up, I couldn’t breathe…as disturbing as it sounds, the fact that my skin wasn’t stinging anymore because I was so used to doing it, meant I needed to do it again. It took me a long long time to realize that this was no longer something I did to make me feel better for a short period of time, this was something that I couldn’t go two hours without, it was something that I would wake up in the middle of the night for, it was something that I was addicted to.

A lot of people ask me why. Why did you do this for so long and feel like you had to? Well, it’s a great question, and if I could completely answer it in full detail every time, I would. I have a tendency (I still have this tendency) where I feel like it is my responsibility to make sure that other people are happy. I hate conflict. I hate arguing. I hate confrontation. If I could keep this whole world under spiritual, mental, and emotional peace…I would because that’s the type of person I am. I love people, and I truly believe that I am here on this earth to show God’s love to people. I guess the “not so pretty name” for that is people pleasing. I love to make other people happy, and what I have realized over time is that first of all, it is ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to make everyone happy. Some people get so comfortable in their mediocre, boring, repetitive lives that they live in misery every. single. day. Some people fake happiness to your face but then turn around and stab you in the back, spread rumors, bad mouth everything you do. Some people are so broken, that they can’t even help themselves by getting up out of their bed alone, they can’t find the positivity in anything or find anything that their thankful for. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that each one of us have our moments and are one of these people occasionally. But these characteristics are what I have had to realize I can’t do a damn thing for except continue to show them love, because it is NOT my responsibility to make everyone on this earth happy. It is NOT my responsibility to make sure that people don’t fight, because THAT’S LIFE. It is NOT my responsibility to prove that I am just as good as someone else, because (excuse my language) who fucking cares, I am my own person! It’s not my responsibility to hold everyone else’s feelings and life outcomes over my head and drag them around as a burden on MY back. The crazy part is, I still sometimes feel and think this way! It blows my mind, and it’s proof that what you struggle with…you WILL struggle with for the rest of your life. I’m not saying that to tell you that you can’t do something or that you should give up because I promise you, you can not afford to give up. This is a constant battle. You are a warrior. It’s all about figuring out who YOU are and who you are MEANT to be and who you are CHOSEN to be. It’s about taking the answers to those questions and putting them into action.

Put down your fear. Do what you’ve always wanted to do. Say what you’ve always wanted to say. Prove what you’ve always wanted to prove. But listen to me when I tell you this…do it for you. Don’t do it to get back at someone or brag to people who didn’t believe in you. Set aside the spitefulness (don’t worry, I can be a spiteful bitch sometimes too and I’ll be the first to admit that) and do something for you. You deserve it, you deserve a second chance. You don’t have to go from 0-100 and wake up and be like, “Oh my god, I just love myself so much, I’m the greatest, wow, I deserve the whole entire world, people should worship me because I’m so great,” but c’mon just take the first step and START the process of loving yourself again. That’s what I’m working on and, I promise you, it is not for the weary because it is hard as fuck, but I know that it’s worth it because I’m worth it.

The beginning of my addictions

My grandfather got diagnosed with cancer when I was 11 years old. He and my grandma both lived in our basement apartment as part of our family in our little house out in the country in Front Royal VA. The cancer escalated quickly, in a matter of 6 months we had a hospital bed for him in their apartment. Looking back, I wish I could’ve spent more time with him. But I cherish the times we had together. After school, I would always go down and visit him, sit with him on the porch, sing with him, watch “Walker Texas Ranger” with him, play cards, read the Bible, and eat together. Gosh, how I miss him.

When he passed, it felt like my whole world crumbled to pieces, the entire family shattered. Grieving was something that no one really knew how to do. I ultimately felt like it was up to me to start taking charge and being the glue. I have two older siblings and two younger siblings. With both my parents working at the time and two older siblings in school, the only thing I saw was me and my two younger brothers. I had to be the strong one, I had to be the one to stay positive and keep pushing to bring my family back together…I did not allow myself to cry, I did not allow myself to seem broken, I did not allow myself to be weak. Little did I know that at 12 years old, thinking that way and living a life like that would break me.

I held myself at a very low standard in my mind. I was never good enough, never pretty enough, never skinny enough, nothing. I was nothing in my mind. My only purpose at the time was to take care of my brothers, not me. Because of that unhealthy mindset, I started to make choices that would effect my life to this day. I began habits that I mentally still struggle with every day. I had these feelings of self hatred for years, but never acted on them until then. That is when eating disorders and self-harm entered my life.

Looking back at the point in my life when I felt so beyond broken yet so young, I thought I could never be fixed, I could never be happy, I didn’t DESERVE to be happy, and no one would ever be there for me because I wasn’t good enough in my own eyes to have someone. I have such vivid memories of these dark and disturbing times in my life that I could just sit down and sob, not only because it makes me sad, but because it makes me thankful. I am so so so so blessed to be in the place of my life that I am right now. And I have so many people to thank for that.

That first cut on my arm was the beginning of the darkest and lowest time of my life. The first time I forced myself to throw up in order to get the body that I thought I wanted was the first time I truly felt like I was in control. I was believing these lies that because I was taking all my grief and anger out on myself that I would still come across like I was happy and mentally and emotionally stable to everyone around me. The sad part is it worked. That is where my addictions began.

Absolute perfection is unattainable.

My purpose of starting this blog is to reach out to other people and let them know that they aren’t alone. This world gives people the persona that everyone is perfect and overall makes you feel like you’re the only one that’s fucked up. Social media, magazines, billboards, TV shows, movies, and so many other things teach us (even as adults!!) that everyone out there is “perfect.” Have you ever seen someone on Instagram with all of their makeup and Photoshop and filters all over their posts, and then met them in person one day? They look like a completely different person!

I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of feeling alone, and like I’m the only one who still struggles with things that they thought they had overcome years ago.

For those of you who don’t know, when I was 16 years old, I spent 15 months in a residential rehab facility. But that was not where my story began. There was so much turmoil and hatred and so many secrets that happened in order to get me there, and I’ll be honest with you, some of those things I still struggle with every damn day. Every day is a BATTLE. Will you choose win, or will you conform to the lies that bind you? I know I’ve totally been on a losing streak lately and that is why I’ve started this blog.

I don’t care if people know who I really am. I don’t care what you think of my past, I don’t care what you think of me now. I know for a fact that I’ve gone through what I have and continue to fight every day for mental peace for a reason. And I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’ve gone through the things I have for a reason. Do I know EXACTLY what that reason is? Probably not exactly…yet.

I was around 5 years old when I started noticing that I didn’t love myself. I was a chubbier little kid and all my friends were still so skinny, I was a little awkward, trying to figure out what I was good at. I’ve never been a straight A student, I had a hard time focusing, other kids seemed to have no problem, I just felt different. I listened to people when I was young. The adults would talk in the corners where I stood with them, my older siblings friends while they were playing on the playground. I would just listen to those conversations. And I remember how negative people were talking about themselves, it was always something I really picked up on. Being so young, I never knew right from wrong…so that is where this battle began, the battle of finding peace with yourself and loving yourself for who you are, not for who someone makes you, and not for who you pretend you are.

I am a Christian. I believe that the purpose of being on this earth is to love. That’s why I believe God put us here for. I grew up in a Christian home, went to church all my life, I could tell you Bible story after Bible story, and I believe them to be true. Yes, I believe that there is only one God, yes I believe in the Bible, yes I believe in heaven and hell. But I’ll tell you what I don’t believe in, and that is the fact that so many Christians will judge and shun you if you don’t believe in the kind of Christianity that THEY believe in. They will shut you out of everything that has to do with them because you don’t follow every single rule in the Bible. Let me tell you what, God called us to strive to be more like Him, but he didn’t call us to follow a bunch of rules and make that our life goal. There’s so much more to life and Christianity than rules and regulations. It’s called sacrifice, it’s called forgiveness, it’s called love. Not sure if you noticed, but the FIRST command in the Bible is to love the Lord you God, and the SECOND is to love others like you love yourself. Seems to me that love is a pretty big check on God’s list.

You are much loved.

Who am I?

Thank you so much for showing your love and support. You are much loved.

Me. Who am I…And who am I meant to be?

I ask myself that almost every day. I wonder who am I MEANT to be, who am I CHOSEN to be.

You can listen to other people and read books that tell you who you should strive to be and what you should reach for, but does that really suit the person you are? I’m a completely different person than any other man or woman in this universe. Everybody has a different place and purpose on this earth. There isn’t a lock and key answer to that question. It’s something that has to be found out by you and only you. I try to understand more and more every day, some days it feels like I make progress, other days it feels like I’ve taken 10 steps in the wrong direction. Life is about balance, it’s about love, and it’s about giving everything you have to pursue what you believe in.

I am a recovered addict. I am a survivor. And this blog is about my story.

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